TOP 10 REASONS THE PHILLIES SUCK:
1. They have lost more games than any baseball team, period. No team, as of 2011, has lost 10,000 games, except for the Phillies- who have lost far more. It technically doesn't get any worse. Quite simply, the Phillies are the worst team in baseball, and debatably in all of sports.
Stating the obvious would be the observation that all Phillies fans are stupid and self-hating.. but notice how you can't be a Phillies fan unless you are either fat or ugly!
2. They have existed since 1884, yet have won 2 world series rings. Their drunk fans often try and equate such suckage to their biggest rival New York Mets, also prideful of only 2 rings. But with 80 more years of existence and thus 80 more years of failure, the Phillies pathetic excuse for success is laughable in comparison not only with the Mets, but any franchise established in the late 1800's.
3. The idiots who named the Phillies were drunk douche bags. How do we know this? They were re-named 3 times in under 2 years by a crowd of angry rich guys desperately attempting to create a baseball team in a city laughably calling itself "the other New York" as an attempt to draw in tourists disgusted by how dirty Philadelphia was. The "Phillies"? As far as creative names go, one might applaud the New York Mets for shortening Metropolitans and inspiring the metropolitan area to flock to the most diverse place on earth (Queens) to watch Gil Hodges build a franchise in a place called Shea. But, as my friend Julie once pointed out, naming a team "Philadelphia Phillies" is just as creative as naming a team "New York New-Yorkers" or "Florida Floridians". If a team's fans can't even defend its heinous and lazy name, that's when you know alcoholism has played too big a role in their life.
4. Their current stadium is a joke. Talk about home run haven. Sure, the Bronx Bums have mastered the wiffle-ball stadium. But even after fan outrage about the ridiculous amount of home runs, lame modifications didn't change Citizens Bank Park from maintaining its reputation as one of the most hitter-friendly parks in baseball. In 2009, it gave up 149 home runs, the most in the National League and second in the majors behind only the new Yankee Stadium. Things got really bad when a kid hit a ball out of the stadium during a pre-game home run derby. I would have sent a congratulatory letter to the 9 year old, but you don't need to be Carlos Beltran to crush a ball out of CPB. A premature baby could hit a ball out of that shithole in a shit part of a shit city in a shit state known best as "Why the fuck do you live in Pennsylvania?".
5. They try to mix pinstripes and red. The fashion police just threw up. No other team (of the dozen that wear the Phils shade of red) in the majors have even thought about doing something so stupid. The Mets, Cubs, Yankees, White Sox and Twins look classy in stripes. The Marlins, Astros and Phillies all look like shitheads. Although, to be fair to the Phillies, everyone in Citizens Bank Park, aside from commonly invading Mets fans, look like shitheads. It's part heroin epidemic in Philly, part drinking away sorrows as a Phillies fan.
6. Thier old stadium was named both worst and ugliest stadium in America countless times. I would cite some sources, but we are talking about Veteran's Stadium here, folks. If you think Shea got ugly after its renovation in the 80s, you never visited this shithole. Talk about a dump of a sports arena. Smelly, dangerous and quiet- no wonder the Phillies lost so many games...
7. What could possibly be a duller way to win the World Series than than to have Bud Selig tell all the players they couldn't win in a rain-shortened game and thus have to play a couple innings another day? No wonder the on-field celebration was so forgettable. Mets fans run on the field when the team wins a ring...Phillies fans sit around clapping and then burn cars as a bunch of drunk idiots are left with little else to do in a city full of ugly cars and fat people driving them.
8. When the Phillies won the World Series in 08, it was the least watched World Series, ever. We all know the Rays are unpopular, but c'mon, Philly has millions of people, right? I guess half of Philly's population is Mets fans.
9. Kobe Bryant grew up in Philly...as a Mets fan. He looked up to Daryl Strawberry. Look it up, he said so in LA, rooting against the Phillies in the NLDS at Dodger Stadium in 2009. Remember that year, when the Phillies went on to lose the World Series? For them, that's a fantastic year. Standards are low when you are as bad as the Phills.
10. The Phillies took in an old, fat-ass Pedro Martinez, a traitor and douche. How did that work out for them? Who's Your Daddy? Hah, Mets fans used to hate that phrase almost as much as Red Sox fans. Now, we all love it...except for Pedro and the dumbass Phillies fans still praying for that third ring.
And because such suckage can't fit into a concrete top 10, one can't forget to mention everyone's least favorite asshole, Jimmy Rollins. #11- Rollins always predicts the Phillies to go all the way and win the Series. His success rate is almost as low as how many players he has had affairs with.
